8.10.2007

Heh

My mother in law lives in Brighton, which is a small hamlet about 20 minutes west of Trenton. They don't come to the city very often. Like, ever. She sent me this email, and I responded:

HER:

"HOW TO DRIVE IN TORONTO

  1. You must first learn to pronounce the city's name: it is T.O.
  2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 km/h. On the 401 or 407, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "wussy."
  4. Forget all traffic rules you learned elsewhere; T.O. has its ownversion of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Oakville or Woodbridge,
  5. SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
  6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
  7. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
  8. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of T.O. and, fact, the GTA. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
  9. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
  10. MapQuest does not work in T.O. -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all freeway off-and on-ramps are moved each night.
  11. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."
  12. If you are in the left lane and only driving 130 km/h in a 100 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
  13. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning."

ME:

"HAHAHA obviously written by someone from "the sticks".

RULES FOR DRIVING IN THE STICKS (or "How to drive like a local")
  1. Never ever pay attention to speed limits. Those are for city folk
  2. If you see someone else on the road, they are obviously not from around here (because NO ONE is from around here), so disregard them or their safety
  3. Street Signs? Why would we need street signs? There's only 3 streets! Plus, the kids would just steal them...
  4. It is not proper to hit the deer and other animals that jump out into your path. This ruins all the good meat.
  5. Feel free to allow your pre-teen children to operate all manner of motor vehicles. There's nothing for them to hit, and locals will know what to do when around them. If city folk come into contact with them, they ARE city folk, so the local constabulatory will naturally assume they are in the wrong, allowing you to sue said city folk for millions. And then you can finally move out of the sticks. To the city. It's the circle of life. Cue Elton John."

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

You obviously lucked out in the mother-in-law dept. That's classic.

brokenengine said...

Yeah, she's pretty cool

Unknown said...

that was fun. More fun because I'm in Ottawa, where there are no 'rules' of the road! I'm constantly astonished when I'm here.

Anonymous said...

Did your mother in law write this e-mail or was it a forward? Because I just read this today. Fishy...

brokenengine said...

It was probably a fwd.